The Flat House

My apologies for such a long time out from writing, I'm hoping to be back to writing more regularly from now so please stay with me and keep reading. This is an old poem I wrote some time ago when a friend moved to a new home that was an odd combination in terms of being the size of a small flat while technically being classed as a house.  

The Flat House 

Warm and snug like a bug being hugged
All neat and tidy hidden under the rug
And despite the early pitfalls you’re finally in!
Perched on your new sofa with a big cheesy grin

No longer do you need a campfire and guitar
To huddle round at night, singing Kumbaya
You can relax and so can I, amenities are go!
How you survived those first nights I’ll never know

For your wise choice of abode, I must thank you dearly
In your heart you always wanted me, clearly
Never a frown or scorn from me when you enter, but a smile
And in return I do hope that you will stay a while

But please look after me as well as can be
I’m in a fragile state from previous tenants you see
My walls have turned all mouldy and green
I couldn’t look myself in the mirror, I was completely obscene

Before you appeared I was struggling with my lot in life
Being neither a flat nor a house leads to some serious strife
The confused struggle soon wears you down
But that’s all behind me, now you’ve come to town

You’ve restored my confidence albeit not my wall
Once again this Flat House can indeed stand tall
I’m beaming with delight inside and out
I want to open my windows and joyously shout

So please lift a glass and make sure it has a coaster
To your exciting new Flat House, let’s raise a toaster
May you be blissfully happy here, it’s long overdue
But with me as your base, you can make your dreams come true

A J Mallen

The Great Mouseketeer

En Garde! The mouse is mightier than the claws. That is at least, in one tale of animal heroism I heard recently. For too long the mouse has been the inferior being, pitted against the fat cats of the world. Well here's a tale that will give hope to mice people everywhere.

A few weeks ago I was engrossed by a tale of this mighty Mouseketeer. My mam has two cats, one of which is all white and used to be the top cat, head poncho of the neighbourhood. No cat would ever dare enter his territory if they valued any of their nine lives. But as the years have gone by the mighty cat has aged and mellowed somewhat and is no longer the tyrant he once was.

And so one fateful day in a kitchen a mouse sneaked in through the back door. It's mission was reconnaissance, to bring back as much food as it could for his very large and ever-growing family. He barely had his nose in the door when he could smell trouble. After poking his head round the corner he was able to detect his awaiting foe easily despite peering under the large hat he was wearing. The cat didn't know quite what to make of this mysterious hat.

Most mice would run a mile when confronted by fur and claws but not this one. Don El Jose Isadera Celianayma Dandis II. For Jose was no longer prepared to bow down to the tyranny of the enemy and was now determined to stand his ground and fight back with all his might. If it meant his own death, so be it.

Poised and waiting, the mouse with his miniature sword was ready to duel against the once powerful king cat of the neighbourhood, his freshly sharpened claws shining as they caught the light and looking ferociously pointy. The nicknamed 'N'o-ay Jose' attempted to clear his throat. Instead of sounding fearsome however, he managed to merely squeak 'Ci senor you're not going to take me alive!'. His notably fake Spanish accent resounded through the kitchen as he emerged from under his oversized sombrero. First impressions were deceiving as this was no longer merely a talking hat but a mouse of deadly destruction. Armed, tailed and dangerous.

The cat made the first move. He moved cautiously, uncertain of the enemy that stood before him. He was right to be cautious. Jose immediately lunged forward with his sword and attempted to pierce the cat's paw. It failed. Instead the sword became an immediate write-off, having snapped in two. Heavily mismatched the mouse fought on. He aggressively lashed out with a right jab and caught the cat flush on the nose. The cat jumped back in disbelief. While the ageing feline was off-balance, the mouse landed another swift blow with a left uppercut. He'd had enough. The cat spun and darted away into cover, defeated and with his pride as battered as his nose felt.

This hero of the Vermin family heritage stood tall on that day and lived to fight another cat. Unfortunately this victory was rather short-lived. Once my mam's other cat discovered the travesty of justice she was not impressed. She was not so fearful of and swiftly ate him alive, sword, sombrero and all. The sword got a little stuck in her throat at first but was quickly dislodged. At least the little fella had some good battles during his illustrious career.

Any creature no matter how great or small can put up a fight and really make a difference. This is a true testament of a never-say-die attitude going a long way against all odds. Quite literally in this case. So keep up your fighting spirit and watch out for sombrero-wearing, sword-wielding, Spanish-speaking vermin!

Self-Assembly Can't Pull Itself Together

Everyone seems to work from home these days don't they? Or at least, most people seem to have some kind of office or study at home. I recently made the decision to join this twenty-first century craze and make my own office in my one bedroom flat. It was certainly a challenge, space being against me, much like gravity, but I would not be defeated. So I set to work, moved furniture, and mountains, threw things out that were of minimal importance such as the sofa and TV and everything that took up floor space, et voila, I had my own office.

A couple of days later I realised something was missing from my newly created home office, which is actually just a remote corner of my tiny living room. I'd have to buy a desk for my computer to go on because at the moment I'm just sitting in my comfy new chair swivelling round and round with this heavy computer tower and monitor perched rather precariously on my lap. It's only going to be a matter of time before the computer gets sick and throws its microchips up all over me and my new chair.

So anyway I went back to the shop and bought a computer desk. I bought this particular one because it seemed simple to put together. The fact it was the cheapest one they had was just a coincedence. It claimed to be self assembly. Does anyone else feel the idea of self assembly is rather misleading? After juggling a bloody heavy and obscure-shaped box containing the computer desk I made it home. I landed inside my front door, planted the box in my living room and waited. Nothing happened. I checked the description in the catalogue again because I was thinking they'd given me the wrong item. Despite having a giant life-like picture of the desk striking an iconic pose on the side of the box, how could I know they didn't mix the boxes up in the warehouse or change the stickers for a laugh? So I checked the description. It definitely said self assembly. I then begin wondering if the box had a secret button I needed to find to activate the self-assembly mechanism. Maybe tickling its soft spot would make it erupt into life, it would jump out of the box, does a few acrobatics and lands with a perfect 10 in the corner of my living room. Still nothing happened. I kicked it and it fell over defiantly. Finally some action. It just lay there mocking me, thinking 'this idiot hasn't got a clue'. Well I had the last laugh. I picked up my hammer and really went to town on it. Smashed it limb from limb. 'Not laughing now are ya, stupid planks of wood' I said aloud with an evil chuckle.

In the end I took it back to the shop. The shop assistant said 'sir you can't return it in that condition'.

I replied 'why not? All I did was give it some encouragement, it's not my fault it couldn't put itself together is it? It said self assembly in the catalogue. You sold me a lazy, non self-assembling, insulting computer desk and I want my money back. I didn't pay good money to be mocked by planks of wood. I get enough of that from my family as it is, they already think I'm as thick as two short planks'. Unable to argue with such reasonable gibbering logic she took the box and refunded me my money and I went on my way.

Later that week I actually did manage to find a self-assembled computer desk. It was free from someone that already had it in their house so I just stole / borrowed it and threw it in the car and took it home. Wouldn't you know it; all wooden tales have a happy ending.